1001 Reasons Why You Wanna Be My Boyfriend

According to the email that I received, what follows is an actual personal ad from a 30-year-old woman. I was really impressed with how simple and clever this ad is. Not only does this gal really seem to understand what men want in a woman, you really feel that you’re getting to know her from just reading the ad. I was so impressed with it I thought I’d share with you all.

1001 Reasons Why You Wanna Be My Boyfriend - 30

I didn't vote for either George Bush
I don't tear the tags off my mattresses til I get home
I always stop to pet dogs outside of grocery stores
I'm likely to have a different hair color every time you see me
I'm slippery when wet
I only use the rail when I walk down the stairs 30% of the time ( I love to walk the line ya know)
I've never read Playboy for the articles
I'll make you laugh
I've never been in one of Tommy Lee's movies
I'll never under cook the eggs
I'll never drink your last beer
I can make a mean pot of chili
I'll pretend I didn't see you look at that chick with the big boobs
I'll always be impressed with how strong you are
I know that handcuffs aren't just for the cops
I've never kicked a boy in the balls
I recycle
I do know how many licks it takes to get to the center of a tootsie roll tootsie pop
I won't steal the Vicoden out of your medicine cabinet
I'll take care of you when you're sick and sometimes just because I think you're the shit
I'll make fun of you
I come with my own set of ear plugs in case of snoring
I can give a kick ass back rub
I haven't been a house guest of O.J. Simpson
I like porn
I can't stand soaps
I don't care if you leave the seat up
I give road head
I think chicks are hot
I have my nipples pierced
I pump my own gas
I don't give a shit if I break a nail
I've got cookies
I don't chew tobacco
I take a shower every day, twice even sometimes
I like it when you pull my hair
I'll let you beat me at pool
I'll keep working until I chip away at your walls
I don't care that you go out with the boys
I don't eat crackers in bed too often
I think it's hot when you come home all dirty from playing hard
I like it when dogs sleep in the bed
I can't stand the mall
My tongue is pierced twice
I don't care what music we listen to in the car
I've never eaten a bon-bon in my life
I'd never ask you to go to lunch with my mother
When you wash the dishes it turns me on
My heart will jump every time you walk through the door
I don't care if you cut your toe nails in the living room
I'll save everything you ever give me
I won't ever forget your birthday, and remind you when mine is coming
I can pee standing up (it's totally gross though)
I think Project Runway is fucking gay
You just can't stop reading this!
I've never even seen one episode of Dawson's Creek or Gilmore Girls
I always use my nails to scratch a lottery ticket
I know where to put in the oil, and have even done it it
I'll think you're just about the coolest person I know
My friends are hot
I don't have hardly any guy friends
I've never owned one pink thing
I think pizza and a game at the sports bar down the street is the ideal date
I won't fuck your friends
I won't fuck your brother
The kinkier the better
What the hell is "in the box"?
I always open a window when I paint
I've never been on Americas Most Wanted
The only drama I have any part of is on t.v.
I don't care if you watch my girly movies with me
I know how to make a fire
I can tie a cherry stem with my tongue
I've got secret tattoos
My kisses will take your breath away
I dig public sex
I don't care if you leave your socks on
You'll never have to do your laundry again
My best friend isn't a guy
I can't stand John Mayer
My burritos are the bomb
I never drive faster than 30 mph in a school zone
My weird habits you'll find adorable
You'll sleep better when I'm next to you
I have a membership at 3 video stores
I'd fuck Angelina Jolie too
I'll thank you every time you open the door
I'll never waste your love
I'll laugh at every joke even when it's not funny
I'd never give you shit in front of your friends
It gets better every time
Use as much salt as you want I don't care
I won't ever let you leave for work in the morning without your lunch
I'll help you find your keys
I don't stop and ask for directions either
I don't have a big brother, so you don't have to worry about getting your ass kicked ever
I try not to pick my nose, or butt in public
We can watch your movie first
I've never owned anything Hello Kitty
I don't need batteries
I once ate a cricket
I eat red meat
I can kill my own spiders
I'll clean the house perfect every time your mom comes
I'll always have smooth legs
I like it when my hair gets messed up
I used to be able to put my feet behind my neck
I met Tom Green once
I got suspended in high school 3 times
My family is just as fucked up as yours
I don't want to get married
My kid already has a dad
I'll always want more
I like horror movies
I smell pretty good most of the time
I don't litter
When I can I give to charity
I can be ready in 30 minutes or less
I lose at arm wrestling every time
I've got dirty pictures of me on my computer
I look both ways before I cross the street
I have cable and HBO
I never look directly into the sun
I'll look cute in your shirt
I'm not a virgin
You're hotter and more hilarious than anyone I know
I'll show you my boobs at the store when nobody's looking
I probably have more porn on my computer than you
I old enough to remember when the space shuttle crashed
I still get carded almost every time I get booze
I won't ever leave makeup on your shoulder
I've never hung a pair of panty hose on the shower rack in my life
I like it when you call me a whore in bed
I can balance a check book
I'll help you not to forget your moms birthday
I would never yell "fire" in a crowded theatre
I"m really good at sneaking food into the movies
I was Branciforte Jr. Highs spelling bee champion 2 years back to back
I'll never say 'nothings wrong' when there really is
I know how to hold my own hair back when I puke
My fingers can spill out Mary Had A Little Dream on the piano better than Ray Charles
I've never cried over spilt milk
I have never stabbed anyone in the eye
I can count to 100 by 5's
I've never smuggled drugs out of the country
I don't care if you eat dinner without a shirt
I think it's hot when you masturbate
I never overload the washer
What else have you got to do?
I know that whipped cream goes on more than sundaes
I've never auditioned for American Idol
I don't eat yellow snow
I like it when you talk to your friends about me in bed
My sunday morning breakfasts will change your life
My chin fits 'just right' in your shoulder when you hold me close
I'll understand if you get jealous
I'm just that good
I never had sexual relations with Bill Clinton or anyone named Bill ever
I'm a pepper
You're getting very sleepy...
I've never been on Jerry Springer
I may have already won $10,000,000.
I have a subscription to the Herald
You won't be able to get me out of your head
I know that sticks are better than automatics
I'll let you drive every time if you want
I buy a new toothbrush every time the blue wears down
I know that objects in the mirror are bigger than they appear
I would never send you to the store for tampons
Flowers will get you laid every time
I've never gotten caught lip syncing on SNL
I have a $3.24 credit at PayLess Shoes
I have clean socks that you can borrow if you run out
I never leave the engine running while I'm pumping gas
I never run with scissors
I've taken the Coke/Pepsi challenge and won
Almost every time I have a winning bottle top
I know how to keep a secret
If you spell something wrong I just think it's cute
I've never failed a survey
I can almost every time find Waldo
I never put my fingers in the light socket
I'm a Gemini
I have all my shots
It's okay I don't really expect you to last longer than 10 minutes anyways
I'm pretty damn funny
I'm not a doctor and I've never played one on t.v. either
I don't care if you eat off my plate
None of my friends are guys I used to have sex with
When you're sleeping I'll always try to be quiet
I have never run out of gas (well I just fucked myself there now, didn't I?)
I know the difference between they're, their, and there
You really kinda would dig having someone to cuddle with on the couch
I know how to get stains out of t-shirts
I've seen every episode of "The Shield"
I've got rad hair
I know how to leave you satisfied and hungry for more every time
I'm really good at making lists
After reading this far you've already got too much invested anyways