Tuscan Whole Milk, 1 Gallon, 128 fl oz

click for the larger version

Thanks to Boing Boing and C/net a new outlet for humor has been born -- extraordinary reviews of ordinary products. As I write this there are 485 customer reviews for Tuscan Whole Milk, 1 Gallon, 128 fl oz on Amazon. Here's the review I wrote:

The white silken fluid cascaded over my tongue. My taste buds stretched out in eager anticipation of the ashen flow of ambrosia soon to flood them with creamy delight. The icy infusion filled my mouth, propelling my oral cavity to instant culinary orgasm, and my entire body into shutting undulations of unspeakable pleasure. Dare I swallow? Or shall I prolong the pleasure? No! I will gulp down this fluid bovine delicacy, for to deny the rest of my body this enjoyment would be too cruel. The cold liquid traveled down my unhurried gullet, slowly, so as to enjoy each precious molecule of this milky miracle.

Another swallow? Can the human soul withstand such contentment? Will my soul depart my carnal form if I taunt it again with this divine ambrosia that surely was never meant for man to consume? Shall I take that chance? Yes. I will.

I greedily tilt up the white gallon container. I swallow again. And again. And again! The pleasure is too great. Consciousness slips away. Then there is darkness.

Days later I awaken – an empty white plastic gallon jug still in my grip. Sure, my friends think I’m dead. Yes, I’ve probably been fired from my job. But, for a divine bovine beverage such as this, it’s worth it.