Holding Babies

A few years back I worked at in an office where for some reason every (and I mean EVERY) woman somehow became pregnant simultaneously. There were frequent jokes about "something in the water". Even the general manager was preggers.

Then it happened, the first baby-in-the-office visit. I do not enjoy holding babies. They feel altogether too fragile to me, I don't want the responsibility, and... I get nothing out of it. Holding a baby for me is like holding a water-balloon filled with jello. I'm totally non-plused by the prospect.

So, "mother one" shoves baby into Sam's face and says "Here! Hold my new baby!". To which I responeded, "No thanks."

You should have seen what transpired next. "How rude!", "You don't LOVE BABIES?!", "Even if you don't love babies, it's rude not to hold her baby!", "THIS GOD-DAMNED BABY IS THE MOST BEAUTIFUL, PRECIOUS, UNIQUE AND FANTASTIC THING EVER TO EXIST IN AND BEYOND THE KNOWN F*ING UNIVERSE AND YOU'D BETTER EAGERLY HOLD IT AND COO AND FUSS OVER IT OR I WILL CRACK YOU F*ING SKULL OPEN WITH MY DIAPER BAG! WHY DON'T YOU LOVE MY BABY YOU MOTHER F*ING FREAK OF NATURE!!!! What kind of mutant, perverted, satan worshiping, ass-hole are you!", etc., etc., etc.

I'm not kidding when I say it was traumatic for me.

The next time a baby showed up, I closed my door and told my secretary I was on an important phone call. I could hear all the people outside my office cooing over the precious baby. Then I heard, "Where's Sam". "Oh, he's on an important phone call", "Oh! We'll see about that!"

The next thing I knew my door flew open and I was being handed a baby again! Ahhhh! And me without an escape route!

Now comes the embarrasing part.

Remember EVERY woman in the office was having babies around this time, and hardly a day went by without a new baby or two making the rounds...

The next time "baby time" came around, I heard all work stop, I hear the cooing, and then I did the manly thing and hid under my desk (I'm not kidding or exaggerating here) and stayed perfectly quiet.

I could hear people looking for me to hand me the baby, but I was "gone" so the baby appreciation parade passed me by.

The under-the-desk-baby-avoidance technique worked, and I did it time and time again.

I have to say I don't understand people's insistance on having people hold their post-fetal spawn. And why is everyone expected to eagerly participate?!

Don't I have a right to be less than excited about babies?!