The Gift of No Gifts

One paricular Christmas years ago, my siblings and I gave my nine-year-old nephew several expensive gifts. We're talking a radio-controlled car, a video-game, and a portable stereo - the good stuff! I think it was a way of trying to do right for this kid what had been done wrong to us - our parents never gave us much of anything for Christmas.

I watched as the kid tore the wrapping off one box after another, and didn't even look at or notice the gift in any way. He just tore open wrappings and boxes in rapid-fire progression, in some sort of brain-dead robotic frenzy of greed. I turned to my brother and I asked him, "Is this hurting your feelings?" and he said, "Yeah, it is, and I'm not sure why."

The events of that fateful Christmas morning got me to thinking - Why should I be upset that the kid didn't really appreciate the gifts? Isn't giving gifts a selfless act? Or is it? If I'm upset that the kid isn't accepting the gift "the right way" then is my gift-giving is secretly laced with expectations of appreciation and praise? Am I really giving a gift only to get appreciation or praise? If not, why do I proudly put my name in "from" spot on the gift-card?? Shouldn't I give ALL gifts anonymously?

I know that many times I've received gifts from family members; gifts that I really didn't need or want. And yes, I have pretended to like the gift. I have lied to protect their feelings. I have given the gift-givers counterfeit appreciation and praise. And yes, in doing so I have trained them to give me an equally unwanted gift again next year. So I guess I do, at some level, know that gifts are all about appreciation and praise to gift-giver, even if that appreciation and praise is completely bogus. Oh what a poignant charade this dance of deception is.

At this point I was beginning to see something I had never noticed before. Gift-giving is not a simple act of kindness. There's a lot more to it. There's something dark hidden under that wrapping paper.

Years before, my fiancé and I sent out invitations to our upcoming wedding. The invitation clearly stated "NO GIFTS, PLEASE". It also suggested that if gift-giving was something you just "had to do" then "kindly donate to either of these favorite charities", it went on to say.

After the ceremony while I was working the reception line, I watched in horror as a female guest took a dining table, hastily dumped off the plates, silverware, and centerpiece and then proceeded to place the table right at the entrance of the reception hall, and then she stubbornly stuck her gift right in the middle of the table.

Because I had my hands full, I could do nothing but stew about it. HOW DARE SHE! Well, as you might imagine, I was quite busy at my own wedding reception, so I wasn't paying attention, but by the time the reception was winding down several hours later, I noticed DOZENS of gifts on this make-shift gift table. My blood ran cold when I realized that some guests might have seen the gift table, felt guilty for not bringing a gift, and left the reception to buy an emergency gift! I was appalled. I had no idea how deep the need for obligation gift giving runs in some people

For most of my life I've struggled with this whole Christmas gift-giving tradition. Every year I struggled to come up with a list of people I care about (or work with) and I tried to guess what gift they might want. I quizzed others to assure that I wasn't duplicating a gift. I agonized over the quality vs. cost dilemma for each gift. I've awakened early to get to malls or shopping centers when they were least busy so I could buy these obligatory gifts with the least hassle. I spent money that could have gone to better use. It was painful for me, and it got to the point that I dreaded the holidays because of it.

As an avid environmentalist I struggled with the environmental impact of my gift-giving activities. I imaged that many of these gifts, both the ones I received and the ones I gave were simply buffered (stuck in a drawer or closet) then eventually trashed or sold at a thrift-store. How could I justify depleting natural resources to make things that I KNEW nobody would use?

So, I asked myself, if gift-giving is painful, unappreciated, laced with expectations, and bad for the environment, why do it? Why indeed! So... I opted out. I don't buy obligation-gifts anymore. I was finally liberated from obligation-gift giving hell, I was, at last... FREE!!!

I don't buy gifts for people's birthdays. I don't buy gifts for Christmas, Chanukah, or Quanza. I don't buy wedding gifts. I NEVER buy gifts because I am "supposed to".

Yet, I do buy non-obligation gifts. If my dear friend collects glass elephants, and I happen to be in a shop and I see an exceptional glass elephant that I know he'd love, and I happen to have some greenbacks in my pocket, and I'm feeling particularly appreciative of that friend... he's getting a glass elephant! Not for his birthday or Christmas - he's getting it NOW and he's getting it for NO PARTICULAR REASON!!

Buying non-obligation gifts is a pleasure, and buying obligation gifts is a pain. My life has gotten much better since my liberation!

I am writing this in early December of 2005. This year has seen tremendous destruction and suffering (human and animal) in many places around the world. I wondered if, for once, would people stop buying "Dukes of Hazzard" porcelain collector's plates and instead donate money to charities to help rebuild tattered cities, rescue homeless animals, and feed the hungry? Sadly, the answer is NO.

The day after Thanksgiving featured stores opening at 5:00 AM to accommodate the rush of shoppers. I heard reports of people being rushed to hospitals after being trampled in a rush to buy, buy, buy. Someone I was talking to that very morning told me that she was off to Fry's to buy a microwave oven - not because she needed one or because she had someone to give it to, but because it was only $29.

This gift-giving issue has gone far beyond a minor social tradition gone amok - it's a serious mass-psychological dysfunction - a socio-commercial environmental pandemic that threatens us all. It threatens to destroy our serenity, damage our economy (excess consumer debt), hurt our environment, and weaken our families.

I urge you to join me as an obligation-gift giving free person. Instead of buying gifts, I urge you to give money to the needy people and animals who need help this holiday season.

The madness must come to an end. Please spread the word.